Sunday, September 30, 2012
Thoughts before I start typing:
- Another day of being thankful for favors and blessings
- Choosing what I can live without and what I can live with or vice versa.
That is the problem with this disease I have internally this debate trying to figure out how bad things can be, and will I be able to live with that, or better yet it is more like ‘what will I have to live with next’. Since of course I don’t have a choice but to deal with it since I can’t go down that road & I have too much to live for.
I have been working since I was a teenager to be bigger and badder and be someone who makes a difference for myself, my kids, and someone that my grandmother can look towards as tough enough against this world. Now it seems like my body is fighting to take all that effort and work that I put into my life and making it disappear, to look like I haven’t been fighting the good fight. I am having a hard time with this right now. I am on the fence knowing the old me is gone replaced with the individual that I am now who is more dependent on others as opposed to how the perceived person inside me would have been able to do it alone. One side of me wants to just lie down and give up to the illness, but the other side of me that was such a tough broad before can’t go down that road in this life. Unfortunately MS is not something I can beat into submission or fight against, it will win most of the time. Drugs can help, but in the end that is still outside help from others.
Montel Williams said, with tears in his eyes, that the drug he uses helps him become a productive member of society again. I get that completely. I want to become a more productive person like before. I was not built to be this person that MS has made me become, and I don’t know how to wrap my mind around these circumstances. I am pretty sure I look and act confused and off kilter to all the people who are around me, which makes their lives difficult in a way I wish I could fix for them. I can’t. I have to get use to saying ‘I can’t’ unfortunately, and that takes almost a rewiring of my system.
Just like the world has no idea who I was or who I am inside, those things are not something that I can explain to every person or doctor that I meet with every move. Every move takes a little more out of me to continue to explain my medical problems, my history, and I feel like I have to put on a face for every new person I meet because they won’t understand who I am, or my history if I don’t. More than once or twice I have thought about just throwing this whole life away so that I can be alone. Then of course after a few minutes or hours I realize that it wouldn’t really solve my problems or the problems that are surrounding my disease. I love my husband, I love my kids, and I love being with them so I can’t live without them I don’t think. I hate that I keep saying ‘I want’ instead of ‘Let me do’ I am mad as hell that this has become my life right now. Then I am confused because if I am honest I am blessed, and I don’t have a ‘right’ to be mad at the situation that I am in because I am blessed. There are times though when I will lose to my anger and lash out, I know I will. I want to be thankful and right, but I know me well enough to know that anger has been my mode of coping in the past so it will be that way again.
How do you tell the person around you the anger inside isn’t because of them? How do you tell family that anger over my existence isn’t their fault? I haven’t found a way to say these things in a way that doesn’t clash with person inside of me that wants to control everything. Still looking for that knowledge and balance, and I figure most people go through this journey at least once in their lives. I want to say 'I am blessed' and move on to the next hurdle, but some days I just want to shout down the walls, and then other days I just wanna take the entire package that I am strapped with into the woodshed and beat the hell out of it. If on those later days it seems like I don't appreciate enough it just means my appreciation is buried a little deep for a little while.