Faith ep. 24...Way to leave me wanting more, and more...and more..

I am/was impressed with the ending of this show (for the record I was ok with CH's ending too), we got a lot of touchy feely lovey dovey things throughout this show that I wasn't expecting from a FS at ALL so I can't complain. I knew that the writer was going to be in a pickle because these were characters that were so in love with such a beautiful relationship that a lot of people wouldn’t be happy with anything short of porn to show it on screen. I am really impressed with the whole show, anything that can make me yell at the screen loud enough for my daughter to leave her cartoons in the other room is A OK with me.

After 9 Consensus is 5 years I think that is right...So 5yrs of separation and pining for each other to rush into each other’s arms, or a hug, or a bed scene wouldn’t have fit no matter how much the writer ‘jumped the shark’ to fit into the self proclaimed perverts at Soompi, *ahrm* or myself honestly. I think that it is hard to understand having just watched the show the day before but it can’t be said enough….they were separated for 5 years, not to mention the centuries that separated them before she came back the first time, so to expect him to ‘get over’ his tendency to avoid touching, kissing, or anything with a woman is unrealistic no matter how you look at it. It took him forever to even be able to touch her hair, and the woman is dying in the scene. IDK or understand why that is so bad. It isn’t up to the writers/directors/actors to fulfill unrealistic expectations (lol that is for the fanfiction writers *grin*).

I know when my hubby is gone for a year on deployments it takes some adjusting for both of us when he comes home. Now that is not to say we don’t go at each other like drunkin’ monkeys after we hit a bed, but we can talk on the phone, email each other to get a handle on what is going on. These two were separated for 5 years long frigging hard war filled years of longing for these two. They found each other again after searching for a lifetime for each other (and a lifetime is putting it mildly in this case)…just the fact that they found each other alive, well, and could be together is a happy perfect ending. I can’t speak to the monster long get to know you session when they get back to the house, but they do need to make sure that they have a sign ‘If the house is a rockin’, creekin’ then Get to leavin’” on the door or something as such.

I wrote the above in a post at soompi earlier, I hate the ending of shows like this but I need more realistic thinkers in regards to this ending. I am so far away from an average prude, but there are a lot of unrealistic expectations in regards to these is LMH so it makes sense :D I suppose. 
I am like KC though I want more...but that isn't unusual for me cause I wanted more with CH too I don't think there is anything wrong with that. :) makes things interesting in a way...or it at least looks interesting in my head lol. 


Faith ep. 22 Did they mean to gash me?

I cried…there I admit it. In the midst of this depressing/beautiful episode where everybody was getting their ass handed to them, the king, ES, N, and Young stood out as anchors against all the ugly surrounding them. It breaks my heart to think of all the anger, pain, and fear my Imja couple are going through in this episode. Gah! Just love each other…the second couple the King and N have so much faith and love for each other. It is almost like he is as much her ‘weight’ as she is his giving each other strength to do what they feel they must.

IDK how this show is going to end at this point unfortunately, I am prepared though to go down with my ships.  It is pretty clear (I think) that this show is not historically accurate so it wouldn’t kill my love to have a happy ending for ES and CY. They love each other so much at this point, and after watching this ep I saw what they mean in the previews that ES shows CY how much she cares, shocking him and us. She grew so much from the first ep to this one, CY grew too. One went from a money obsessed prima-donna almost to this amazingly brave caring person, and the other went from a cold almost lifeless shell of a man to this amazing character that loves these people around him (King, ES, Choi, Queen, and most of all the loves himself again finally).

Ugh IDK what I am going to do with my love fore these characters. I figure I’ll need to watch it all through once the ending is clear. I keep trying to write more for these folks, but honestly I am stumped over how to start. I think they have had angry sex in my head a million times, but it seems somehow unexceptional on paper. I don’t really read soompi except to get what little rumors/spoilers that come down that way. I can’t read that too much only because I am so happy with how the couples are being written right now with or without sex. Call me crazy but what is in my head for these characters is way better outside of canon anyway.  

Come on ending…make this torturous road I am on be worth it in the end. Also it would behoove the writers/directors to realize that LMH will go into a ‘hibernation’ type deal after this…leaving a lot of fangirls to do nothing but twiddle their thumbs for the longest time. Make it so that those girls will talk about this ending for a very long time until the next show finally comes along. Friendly advice ;) 


So Close

Ok...I am sure I'll find many more places that need mending, but for now I like this version better by far. I put some of the 'left outs' back in. Although I see CY being forward to her at the end of yesterdays ep it is still hard to see him moving in this direction. If she wasn't helping him (for her own emotional reasons) I can't see him being able to unleash the inner passionate man. It kinda felt good to use ES in the story to tell DH to 'cut the bullshit' and call him a moron. There should be a law against being this into a show (ahem lets pretend I wasn't this into CH, SUFFB, and K2H).

Eun Soo was going to die, Choi Young had overheard the majority of the conversation Eun Soo was having with Deok Heung. Choi Young knew that she was poisoned by this evil man. Choi Young never allowed himself the passing nightmare that she would leave him; in fact it wasn’t an option in any scenario that had played out. Choi Young living in a world without Eun Soo had never crossed his mind.

Eun Soo remembered that first time she was with Choi Young right after she became an ‘honorary’ Wooldalchi member, and after some resistance from him about being in men’s quarters ended up with her being put in a room down the hall. It all turned out for the best when Choi Young came to her later that night alone so he could ask her to be by his side. He had obviously been debating this for a while as evidenced by his stress level, which usually would be cute to her except she was working on a limited time schedule right now. In every word of her letter to herself she felt a stab of grief for the woman, a woman that turned out to be herself that had been the victim a hundred years before. The desolation she felt after having the nightmare where Choi Young died made it obvious the feelings she felt while writing the letter. So in the letter Eun Soo was writing a letter to herself begging to stay by ‘that person’s’ side. She planned to stay by his side for as long as she could in this time line, and if that meant she had to ‘take the bull by the horns,’ so to speak she didn’t see a problem with that. That night she remembered every touch, every breath he took, and every catch in his breath she induced.

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“You are an evil little man. There isn’t an antidote I knew that before. You want me to leave someone to stay by your side why?” This was not a question she really needed to know at this point, just because she didn’t care. There was absolutely nothing he or anyone else could do to move her away from Choi Young. That ship had already sailed. “I still do not understand Choi Young’s or your need to not use a formal tone with royalty, but what if I told you I do have a medicine that would cure you?” Eun Soo didn’t even try to hold back her eye-roll “I know you don’t have anything so let’s just skip the bull shit schemes. Right now I have some place to be, and that place is with someone else who owns my future.”

Deok Heung couldn’t hide his surprise when she said ‘owns’ in relation to her future. “I think I’ll just have to remove his ‘ownership’ then. He can be stopped, and I have the majority of Yuan backing my nobility. Are you sure you want to ignore my requests?” Eun Soo didn’t even feel the need to say anything else to Deok Heung, according to history he’d never get to the throne anyway. Eun Soo walked out of the room and slammed the door for good measure after she exited, saying in English “Moron.”

Eun Soo stopped in her tracks at the look of pure anger she saw in his eyes after she left the room. Choi Young pushed by her towards the room she just left, obviously he would kill him or torture him into telling where to get the antidote to save her. Thinking fast Eun Soo grabbed Choi Young from behind in a tight back-hug to stop his progress towards what could only be deemed as suicide.

“Please don’t. Let us talk about this alone. He wants you to lose composure just like he pushed me to lose it. I can’t stand the thought of being without you. Please.” Eun Soo was pleading with Choi Young as she was dragged to Deok Heung’s doom, and she didn’t care if he burned in hell forever she just couldn’t fathom a night without Choi Young by her side. He was the only reason she made it through these last few days knowing that she was most likely doomed to die by poisoning. “I love you. If you ever believed anything please believe that.” Choi Young stopped at the door right after she said this.

“You love me? Why? You obviously don’t share everything with me? You were poisoned and didn’t tell me, now you don’t tell me there is no cure in this world, and you give up going back to your own world where chances were you could get a cure? Do you just love holding me away from you? Is that what you love?”

Eun Soo said with tears in her voice, “Please come away from here, he isn’t going anywhere, and we can talk freely in our room or outside anywhere that doesn’t give him something to hurt us with.” Choi Young turned towards their rooms, but grabbed her hand as he left. Eun Soo couldn’t remove her hand from his vice grip even if she wanted to, although if she was honest with herself she never wanted to leave his side until the day she died. Of course that day was closer than she wanted, and he had just found out just how close that day was, so she understood what he was feeling and she could sacrifice her hand to his tight grip.

Choi Young spun her around into ‘their’ room, although technically it was still just hers if the Wooldalchi were asked the ownership. She didn’t want him to leave, and usually her tears or whining got her what she wanted from him. “Why? Tell me why I didn’t know?” Eun Soo couldn’t stand to see the hurt in his eyes or the tears forming there and for such a proud warrior to be hurt like that gutted her where she stood. “I love you and only you for my whole life. I don’t know how to answer so you can understand. I want to live for you only for the rest of my time. Your happiness and love are two of the reasons I can handle the bad. Don't let him take you away from me.” Eun Soo was swallowing her tears for herself, this man, and the life they could have had together if she wouldn’t have been poisoned.

“Tell me so I can understand.” Choi Young said closely to her ear as he pushed her back into the wall. “I want to hear you tell me why I am close enough to touch you this way, but not close enough to know you wi…” Choi Young’s voice cracked on the word and instead continued with, “might die? Why can you sacrifice while I have to stay silent?” Choi Young had pushed her far enough back that she registered a shocked thump into the wall behind her. “I love you,” Eun Soo started only to be interrupted by him lifting her up against the wall. Choi Young said forcefully, “Tell me so I can understand” Eun Soo couldn’t breathe any oxygen that didn’t smell like him, she didn’t want to talk right then either, she just wanted him to keep proving to her she was alive. “Imja tell me.” Choi Young pushed his hips into her in a way that made all oxygen leave her lungs causing her words to come out breathlessly, “I love you…I want to live for you Mianhamnida.”  Eun Soo wanted to feel alive.  She was ‘going to die’ had been on repeat in her head so long that she needed something to prove that she was still living. Choi Young had given so much to her, he would die for her she knew, but she needed him too take away the loneliness, sadness, and heartache the letter instilled in her.

Make her feel.

Every sensation that was possible between a man and a woman she wanted to feel with him. She loved him more than her own life, and she obviously was on her way to prove it. If he could just play the part for her, she needed him to show her that in this world there wasn’t another for him, she needed him to show her the passion inside him that he tapped down constantly, and she wanted to be irresistible before she died. Eun Soo reached down between them to tug on his clothes in hopes that he would pick up where she left off. Choi Young almost dropped her he was so shocked, yet he didn’t hesitate for long and she wasn’t disappointed.

Young was still angry because he didn’t know she had been dealing alone with this burden, but he was also terrified she was going to leave. Choi Young pushed her clothes down opening her up to his hardness to be cradled between her thighs. With a grown Choi Young said, “Tell me…why you are so far? Why are you open to me in this way, but won’t let me in. Help me understand.” Eun Soo could no longer breathe so much so that she was afraid she would faint as she reached between them to join them. “Eun Soo,” Choi Young said in shock as he buried his head in her hair “Why?” Eun Soo inhaled him again and said, “I love you, and you love me. Show me.”

Eun Soo held onto him as he began to move towards the bed “Here, Love me. Show me I’m alive.” Choi Young didn’t understand what she meant, but when she lifted herself up using his shoulders only to come back down on him, Choi Young understood then what his body wanted. There on the wooden barracks wall Choi Young loved her. He loved her even before that, but he worshiped her body almost like a deity. At first slowly he pushed into her afraid he would hurt her. She kept repeating in his ear how much she loved him, almost like a mantra against the negative that surrounded her. Choi Young increased his speed in increments until they were both mindless, and only doing what felt right in the moment. When Choi Young could hold off no longer Eun Soo, sensing his need, reached between them to give the extra boost to reach the plateau with him.

Eun Soo held onto him as he carried her to the bed. Almost like pulling from inside her hurt him he groaned at the leaving, and lay down beside her on the bed. Eun Soo said, “That was...” The silence terrified Choi Young into sitting up beside her and saying, “Did I hurt you? Imja are you alright?” Eun Soo took a long, slow, and languid look at him lying beside her and said; “I’m not hurt, just amazed. I saw that in a movie one time. I had no idea it could be that satisfying.”



That was the best cliffhanger ever! Anyone who is lucky enough to get stared down by LMH has my unfair that she is married to a hot man too...

That shrill sound growing louder and louder is the LMH fans of the world freaking out about that ending scene. If that was an invitation for HotChoi fic I don't know what is. 

All for Them

Wrote this after episode 17, cause it is almost impossible for me to keep my head shut so to speak. Plus I graduated so there is no school before I go for a masters degree eventually, and Hubby is out of town for couple of weeks training with the Army. In other words I got time. Too much? Probably. So much I have in my head to convey and it looks like a cow patty typed out but this is my attempt to get it put on the page. 

    Choi Young lowered his head for duty, to save her, but ultimately he kissed her because he himself couldn’t come through with another plan. He put a stop to the wedding because he knew it was all for him that she was caught in the evil snare laid out to catch her. He knew the minute he heard that she was going to do this it was for him.  Choi Young knew him kissing her would keep her away from the evil surrounding them, next to him, and barring her from marrying this evil man that poisoned her.  Choi Young knew this was the only way around the trap she got herself snagged in, all for him.  

All for him.  

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    Why couldn’t she just stay by his side so he could protect her? Did she not understand that would help him more knowing she was safe, and not in trouble because of him. Because of him she gave to keep him alive, he meant all the words he said to her about not caring to know when he died. He wanted to live protecting her until she passed through heaven’s gate. Then he would live his life a day at a time remembering what he had, lost, and missed beyond reason.

    Choi Young wasn’t there to protect and fight with his fellow Wooldalchi in the woods to save the king. He just needed a little more time, but the deadline to save Eun Soo from a marriage to that evil man came so quick. There was no time to protect everybody. He would live with this guilt until he passed from the earth.  His inability to choose anything other than saving his love was the reason those men died, because of him.

Because of him.

    After he came away alive from the attempted explosion he felt almost like everything had been reset in his world, and he didn’t know where to go, or what to do first, or what to do at all. He had been confused as Lady Choi was confused why his life was spared. Now he knew why and it was because of her.

Because of her.

     This kiss revived in him those same feelings of confusion. He didn’t know what to do with his hands, or how to stand, or even how long to continue on this path. This kiss was a brand on her in front of the ministers, the Wooldalchi, and Deok Heung-jae. Heung-jae could no longer have her, or make grand gestures to look as though he had possession of her. This kiss was branding him too, for her.

All for her.

    He was hers from this moment on. He didn’t care when he died, he knew he only cared right now about how he lived. He fought everything he knew, everything he knew he wasn’t supposed to do, everything he did or didn’t deserve, and forgot the room full of ministers who would skewer him as usual if they could just for this kiss.

    Choi Young felt complete for the first time in his life. Even when he was with Mae He-ah in his younger days he was always searching for that completeness love could give to a person’s wellbeing. There was no reason to why he had this feeling with Eun Soo. Maybe he had been away from love for so long that he just could not remember that perfect wholeness, or maybe it had something to do with that diary predicting his future, but he could feel the rightness of her in his arms and his heart.  

    He lowered his head to kiss her for duty, but in the end it was all for them. The kiss was perfect and everything was forgotten around them because this moment felt right, and all for them.

All for them.



Choi Young played with her hair for what seemed like hours, but probably only translated to minutes in the grand scheme of things. He would have to let go of her to save her, to save her. Deok Heung-jae was an ambitious man who wanted the throne, and without hesitation he would let Eun Soo die if he didn’t get his way. Choi Young knew this, yet his heart was stalling for time.

She wasn’t planned for him, in his world he wanted only to live and die honorably after he lost her, who he thought at the time, his one true love. He couldn’t even remember her face now. Now all he could do was continue to live honorably for the King. Eun Soo came along though, and she forcefully placed herself into his list of things to do. She forced a change in his priorities.

Would he go back to his cold frozen state when she left his world, would he escape to the warmth of his dreams? Eun Soo was his warmth now and he didn’t know when that happened. Eun Soo lived, how could a part of him not lose life if they parted? Living just because she would want him too was what he had planned, or all his heart sickness could see being possible in a future without her. How could one live when that which gave life to their existence was gone?

She was leaving in a month when the portal opened finally, and she could say good bye to his world, and be happy in the heaven’s world as she wanted. The King couldn’t stop the inevitable this time, as angry as Choi Young had been when that painful parting didn’t happen originally Choi Young could admit now that happenstance had stayed his death. Another consequence was also that he was given a reason to live.


Now, as he played with her hair before she left through a portal to heaven he didn’t want to let go of her, and right now it was even harder to hold in his love for her. She forced her way into his cold; he wanted to live with her one time.

Just once.

Just one time he told himself this, truth or lie he would see…in the future.

Eun Soo woke to the feather light touches on her hair. Choi Young was looking at her with a mix of curiosity and consternation.  She had the insane thought to ask if he wanted to take a picture or something, so she did.

Choi Young didn’t answer her allowing only a slight look of confusion to cross his usual stoic features that betrayed he had heard her. “It means in ‘heaven’ speak why are you watching so hard?”

Eun Soo knew what the pages in the diary meant now, all of it fit together to show that the portal was going to open soon. Rough hands so gentle running through her hair, hands that could break her anytime they wanted caressing her like she was irreplaceable reminded her of the dream when he died.

There was still the mystery of where she would go when it was opened, but Eun Soo had no options at this point. She had to go through; whether she ended up in ‘Heaven’ or farther in the past didn’t matter because she had to write the letter to herself. If only to make sure that Choi Young lived to make the future he was meant to make.  



OK...I feel like I am watching 'My So Called Life' with always saying the whole name in Korean drama stories. She and He are SO much easier to type. LOL. I been working on this one (does not mean it isn't full of crappy errors), but I just feel like there is something missing. I imagine I will figure out what that is in the future after the fact. That is usually how it works when I write something. This begins right after episode 16, with CY turning around at the end in surprise like he was ambushed...of course he was, by one ES coming to save him again. *ok ok shipper glasses are on proudly* ;) 

Choi Young turned in surprise. Surprise that she was here in possible danger, surprise that turned to concern for her frantic look, and finally surprise that turned to anger as she ran towards him jumping into him so hard he had to take a step back to keep his feet. She was breathing heavy from running from so far away. Eun Soo had no idea what she was going to do as she pulled him by the shirt so that he was a lower target for assassination. “I am on time. Are you hurt at all?”

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A tear fell from her eyes unconsciously when she remembered his loss, and the emptiness that she felt. Somewhere deep inside her a gate was opened or unlocked, and she lost the ability to hide the painful memories that had been haunting her for so long. She hid those emotions behind a wall inside so she had the ability to smile while being close to death, allowing her to hide the inability to use one of her greatest assets in the hands that gave her the abilities she was so proud of, and allowing her to compartmentalize all the killing surrounding her right now. In all that, the one thing she could not get past that would not stop terrorizing her was losing him to death. Such a permanent circumstance, and in that moment she couldn’t control those emotions anymore. She knew losing him was not a nightmare for her, knew beyond all that she knew she had felt the pain before. It was almost like she was in the grip of the terrible pain his loss brought to her at this very moment.

Choi Young wiped the first few tears she cried away until it was impossible to catch them all, so he let go of his internal debate waging war on his mind and pulled her into a hug so tight he worried she couldn’t breathe. Her sobbing became muffled by his shirt, yet she still kept crying without an end. Every sob was like a kick to his midsection. Choi Young would gladly push his sword through his gut again in lieu of having her feel or cry like this.

Eun Soo couldn’t stop the ache she was feeling inside that fed on itself. Hugging Choi Young, as she was breathing him in, that familiar warmth pooled and calmed her like a warm blanket she had been too long away from. It was like her home she pulled him closer, crying even harder confusing them both. Choi Young lost in his confusion and need to help her pulled away only as far as she would allow, and asked her, “Why?”

Eun Soo was so lost in her desperation that she shook her head in confusion, “You left me.” Choi Young had no idea what she meant, which of course was not unusual with her heaven’s speak, but something in him propelled him to play along even knowing he never left her by his own choice. “Mianhamnida,” he said.

“Kajima, you have to stay by my side.” Eun Soo desperately pleaded with him. “The favor asked of you. Forget it.” Choi Young looked at her in wide eyed surprise and amazement even as she continued to plead with him, “Kajima. Don’t go.”

“How…” Choi Young muttered. Eun Soo looked up into the eyes of the man she loved for what seemed like her entire life, “I’ve searched for you. I’m sorry I took so long before. Please!! Don’t hurt me again I don’t know if I can watch you die because I wasn’t fast enough.” Eun Soo pulled him in closer as if she couldn’t get close enough to him. Choi Young let himself be pulled to her, warring with himself over how to deal with his demon.

“Mianhamnida,” Choi Young went along with the things she said in terror by placated her, “Imja I won’t go.”

“Kajima, saranghaeyo…” Eun Soo said still holding on to him for dear life.  “I was to slow…kajima” Eun Soo aggressively pushed Choi Young back using her weight to push him down to his back despite his obvious objections. “I came on time, you are here now…”

Choi Young did not understand what she was saying or doing so he just nodded, allowing her to push him back and take away almost all of his power. “Promise you will not leave, Promise.” Eun Soo frantically said to him while she was pulling his shirt down to expose his chest, neck, back, and pulse points. She checked his stomach, his arms, and his back for possible kill shots mumbling kajima the whole time. Choi Young just wanted her tears to stop so he calmly said, “I am not injured.”  It seemed like his reassurance was wasted on her panicked mind she met his worried eyes, “Kajima, please.”

 Eun Soo checked his racing pulse and it seemed to finally get through some of her panic attack. She looked up into his eyes slowly only seeing the eyes of a man concerned and confused. Choi Young then slowly, so she wouldn’t be lost again, held her hands to his mouth and kissed them. Choi Young saw realization dawn fully in her eyes “Oh God,” Eun Soo said in horror at her actions.

“Are you in your right mind now?” Choi Young then pulled her hands to his heart. “Everything is fine Imja. I am here. I won’t go anywhere without my partner, I promise. We can stay like this as long as you need Imja, but you must come to your senses so you can hear me. I am a man, and no matter how many times I stamp down this hunger for you, and no matter how many times I remind myself you will leave here soon and go back to heaven it doesn’t change that fact. I am a man that wants you. So if you tell me one more time that you love me I am afraid that the love and want I have for you will overwhelm, and what I know is wrong won’t stop me anymore.” Eun Soo blinked at the speech from such a proud warrior, this smart Woodalchi warrior that has fought in countless battles loved her, and he would not leave as before. Eun Soo smiled up to him and laughingly said, “That is the longest speech I think you have ever made while talking to me.”



Sunday, September 30, 2012

Thoughts before I start typing:

-          Another day of being thankful for favors and blessings

-          Choosing what I can live without and what I can live with or vice versa.

    That is the problem with this disease I have internally this debate trying to figure out how bad things can be, and will I be able to live with that, or better yet it is more like ‘what will I have to live with next’. Since of course I don’t have a choice but to deal with it since I can’t go down that road & I have too much to live for.

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    I have been working since I was a teenager to be bigger and badder and be someone who makes a difference for myself, my kids, and someone that my grandmother can look towards as tough enough against this world. Now it seems like my body is fighting to take all that effort and work that I put into my life and making it disappear, to look like I haven’t been fighting the good fight. I am having a hard time with this right now.  I am on the fence knowing the old me is gone replaced with the individual that I am now who is more dependent on others as opposed to how the perceived person inside me would have been able to do it alone. One side of me wants to just lie down and give up to the illness, but the other side of me that was such a tough broad before can’t go down that road in this life. Unfortunately MS is not something I can beat into submission or fight against, it will win most of the time. Drugs can help, but in the end that is still outside help from others.

    Montel Williams said, with tears in his eyes, that the drug he uses helps him become a productive member of society again. I get that completely. I want to become a more productive person like before.  I was not built to be this person that MS has made me become, and I don’t know how to wrap my mind around these circumstances. I am pretty sure I look and act confused and off kilter to all the people who are around me, which makes their lives difficult in a way I wish I could fix for them. I can’t. I have to get use to saying ‘I can’t’ unfortunately, and that takes almost a rewiring of my system.

    Just like the world has no idea who I was or who I am inside, those things are not something that I can explain to every person or doctor that I meet with every move. Every move takes a little more out of me to continue to explain my medical problems, my history, and I feel like I have to put on a face for every new person I meet because they won’t understand who I am, or my history if I don’t.  More than once or twice I have thought about just throwing this whole life away so that I can be alone. Then of course after a few minutes or hours I realize that it wouldn’t really solve my problems or the problems that are surrounding my disease. I love my husband, I love my kids, and I love being with them so I can’t live without them I don’t think. I hate that I keep saying ‘I want’ instead of ‘Let me do’ I am mad as hell that this has become my life right now. Then I am confused because if I am honest I am blessed, and I don’t have a ‘right’ to be mad at the situation that I am in because I am blessed. There are times though when I will lose to my anger and lash out, I know I will. I want to be thankful and right, but I know me well enough to know that anger has been my mode of coping in the past so it will be that way again.

    How do you tell the person around you the anger inside isn’t because of them? How do you tell family that anger over my existence isn’t their fault? I haven’t found a way to say these things in a way that doesn’t clash with person inside of me that wants to control everything. Still looking for that knowledge and balance, and I figure most people go through this journey at least once in their lives. I want to say 'I am blessed' and move on to the next hurdle, but some days I just want to shout down the walls, and then other days I just wanna take the entire package that I am strapped with into the woodshed and beat the hell out of it. If on those later days it seems like I don't appreciate enough it just means my appreciation is buried a little deep for a little while. 


I Remember Everything

Jae Shin, Shi Kyung. My new obsession (I need this like a hole in the head obviously). King 2 Hearts, episode 16 SK’s inner monologue during the time with JS.

I remember everything
She called him again and like a moth to flame he gravitated to her when she needed him. It didn’t matter that every time he was near her it took all his power to keep from pulling her into his embrace, which seemed a very dangerous place for her to be when all he did was covet her. Didn’t she know? He would always come when she needed and it wasn’t because of her status.

He wanted her, and she just needed a float to keep from going under. 

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She was so full of life when he first saw her on that stage. It was as if nothing could touch her she was so high. When she deemed him worthy of her song a part of him was lost to her. Didn’t she see it was her? She showed him something that nobody had seen, and to this day he cherished those moments.

Some cosmic force aligned to bring her down after her attack, something evil brought her down to earth. He wanted to see her fly again like on stage that night. Shi Kyung wanted her to soar.


Oh he wanted to touch, but the part of him that knew better was holding back. He would see her or talk to her for seconds and during that time he felt like he would suffocate from holding himself away from her. Everybody said he wanted her, and when he had moments alone he knew all those accusations were true. She deserved to fly on her own though, and he would be her level until she could.

Hopefully he would have some part of himself left after it all was over.

Here he was again for her. Her eyes looked up at him as her savior, the last bit of color in a sunset, and her saving grace all in one look. If only he was someone who could be those things for her. Oh how he hated himself right now, taking advantage of her when she needed the most, if only she would look at him that way when she was herself again. He had a sharp stabbing pain thinking of her moving on when she was better.

She would get better then discard him. He should be thankful.

He really should.

Jae Shin was comforting him about his dad now saying things that he knew to be true already. He was short with her. ‘I’m sorry,’ he thought. It hurt when she wanted to comfort him. He had such ugly thoughts. Who am I? I am a royal bodyguard. I should not be aching for this person like this.

‘This brave, honest, smart woman doesn’t need you’ he repeated to himself again. She needs a crutch. You are only the lucky number called.

The princess just kept looking at him so sincerely, her eyes begged for him to make all the pain go away. He couldn’t fix the problems, hell he couldn’t even fix himself enough so that crazy bitch wouldn’t know he was in love with the unattainable.

“Please don’t play,” as if I am a shiny new toy. ‘My heart might not make it out of this intact if you do’ he silently added.

“You sang it,” he whispered to her. This was as close as he needed to get to showing how much she affected him. He thought, ‘I remember everything about you.’ 
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*sigh* I am the only one dying for these two right? Yea yea I know...I am always doomed to fall for the STP (Vampire diaries, SFBB anyone??) For. Ever. Doomed. I love the disposable ones it seems.  


So in love with these two...wonder if there are episode cuts of them only? lol Off to research...anything to not do my school work. 

Shut Up Flower Boy Band, Do Il's eyes made me do it!!

Did anyone else focus on Do Il’s eyes in his scene with Woo Kyung in episode 14? He has expressive eyes, and I think it took this scene for me to appreciate it. I think their scene tonight gutted me, along with the rest of the show. I am left wondering at the end of this ep WHAT they are going to do to get back the swagger that they had before. I wrote about Do Il’s inner monologue, although I am not satisfied with it I am hoping that the next couple eps will give me some happy scenes for these boys. The show has turned into a funeral. 

Hello Old Friend, Nice to See You Again

Do Il’s body hurt.  Drained emotionally, physically, and with the band in this condition he was spiritually exhausted as well from the very tips of his toes to the ends of his hair. Do Il could take a lot of punishment, as evidenced by the history with his father, but he always had motivation to be the calm person. Lately though he found that level headed young man being overpowered by the inner lost boy trying to explode into the world. The very person who motivated him to stay on level was being hurt right before his eyes while he watched, and there really wasn’t anything he could do to change that fact. 

After getting thrown around by his father’s men, not his father of course, since Do Il’s father would never bloody his own hands like that. Do Il’s father thought any physical fighting wasn’t gentlemanly enough for him, so it was better to let his underlings practice on Do Il. Do Il usually couldn’t complain because he knew that this was one of the reasons that he was able to win so many fights. These fights that were usually caused by other people not smart enough to know who he was, people who were willing to risk their lives to prove a point, or people who just wanted to get status and money.  These type men usually didn’t make it very far in their quest for money or status, but they did get removed from the situation forcefully. Unfortunately for Do Il he stood up in public and in such a way that his father would have a harder time saving face. So Do Il had to pay for this transgression.  He was used to it, and he could take whatever usually. He would protect his friends, the band, and he would protect her.

Woo Kyung came to the pool hall surprising Do Ill, which was never a good idea. She was so warm touching him in concern. That was all he needed, concern. ‘Please touch me for me,’ his eyes said. ‘Please love me, love me for more than the drummer.’  He wasn’t equipped to hold back from her warmth right then; he was not physically capable of forcing down that burning need inside raging to be set free. He wanted her warmth to be directed at him for a change, and not at just the drummer of the band she had been valet to for years. He could have found solace in most any woman who knew his family background, but for some unknown reason this spit fire girl that wandered into his lair was the one that he longed for.  She had no idea how dangerous he was. The strength to fight his longing wasn’t in him. He didn’t want to be the sweet, caring, calm band member right now. He wanted to take her heat to replace the cold inside him. She was concerned for him was what he told himself. She was caring for his treatment at his father’s hands. She cared not just for the drummer, but him, just him.

He kissed her.

Before he could spit out Mianhamnida she was jumping away from him like she caught fire. Inside himself he cringed, and it hurt, God did it hurt. She had removed him from the painful beating just by being present, but now he found that everything was worse because she wasn’t worried for only him. His fear was confirmed. He had let go and it hurt like hell, hurt worse than any beating he had been through in his life. Woo Kyung couldn’t get away from him fast enough, and that knowledge was almost unbearable. The cold was back wrapping around him like a blanket he thought, ‘Annyeong old friend, I’m sorry I strayed. I was wrong to think I could find love, welcome back.’